Eating disorders.. something people that have them never like to talk about or admit for that matter. We become some of the best liars and it’s not intentional because in reality we don’t even believe it ourselves so we become good at hiding.
For me I blamed it on other things. I had Invisalign for almost a year and it was actually hard to eat a lot because I’m such a perfectionist I didn’t want to leave them off for long periods of time and I am a big coke drinker (bad I know) but it’s my guilty pleasure and with Invisalign it was hard to drink anything but water.
I covered it up with that excuse for a long time but then I realized I was scared of food- meaning I was obsessed with the scale and every time I ate I weighed myself after it became an addiction I was addicted to those numbers. When those numbers went up on the scale I felt disappointed I felt a disappointment in myself for eating that much even when I was eating barley anything. I was 88 pounds an when it went up to 90 I freaked. At the time I didn’t realize how bad it was. People around me would comment on how skinny I was but when I looked in the mirror I didn’t see skinny, I saw fat a huge body dysmorphia problem. I didn’t believe I was a so thin I could have blown away in the wind.
It’s hard for me to even write this because I’m embarrassed but on the other hand I know I’m not the only one who has suffered. I was down to 88 pounds- that’s when I knew I was sick and I had to change something. I didn’t go to the doctors or anything- again an embarrassment or fear of being judged. I didn’t tell anyone. I’m pretty head strong when I want to be. I am strong but having an eating disorder makes you weak in all forms. Your body needs some fat to support you. I was so scared of being fat because when I was younger I was a little chunkier but I was also a child.. I had baby fat like any other human does at that age.
I started lifting and eating three meals a day and I am now a PROUD 113 POUNDS. Although I had to put the lifting on hold because of my endo I plan to get back at it soon and I still drink my cokes guilty pleasure I am happy and ultimately I am much healthier than I was. I am no longer underweight and I no longer weigh myself at home only at the doctor is when I get on the scale. I have overcome this. I have survived this. Screw body dysmorphia!! Screw what the media says your supposed to look like. You look like you want and when you feel healthy that’s when your perfect. Screw what everybody else says. You can survive and overcome this just like I did. It’s not easy I know that, for years I suffered in silence. It’s ok to talk and don’t forget you always have a friend here if you need. Xxx